Poetry

Dismemberment

You breathe your disdain for me.

I choke on the bitter weight of your indifference,

Giving parts of myself away to you,

How truly pathetic of me.

I choke on the bitter weight of your indifference.

Unsaid words curdle in my throat, thick and heavy.

How truly pathetic of me.

To be replaced by a younger and prettier Barbie doll

In just minutes.

Plastic perfection and vacant eyes.

Giving parts of myself away to you,

But the silence between us tastes metallic.

Like blood on my bitten tongue.

Giving parts of myself away to you,

You have all my limbs.

You’re holding them hostage in the room

I will never see again.

Locked away with the ghost of who I was.

You have all my limbs,

But I yearn to be noticed for more than my body.

Even from across the room,

I am nothing but flesh in your gaze.

You breathe your disdain for me,

But now I refuse to inhale.

Naked Trees

Naked trees are the most beautiful.

So bare and vulnerable,

Everything exposed

For everyone to see.

Yet they stand so tall,

So strong,

So captivating.

Some view it as dying,

But I view it as just the beginning.

~ this is how you made me feel

Fragile Trees

The trees are so frail and thin,

Yet they fill me with such fright.

The forest is eerily quiet, you can hear the dropping of a pin.

And silence hums in my head, almost like a sin.

So be careful - hold the trees so tight,

The trees are so frail and thin.

Even in solitude, these trees stand within.

Do they ever dream of breaking into the light?

The forest is eerily quiet, you can hear the dropping of a pin.

Does their bark shudder like weary skin?

Would you cradle the splintering branches at night?

The trees are so frail and thin.

I want to whisper to the trees - “You win.”

So fragile, yet they stretch to endless height.

The forest is eerily quiet, you can hear the dropping of a pin.

Although broken, these trees let love in.

They’ve always known it was worth the fight.

These trees are so frail and thin,

The forest is eerily quiet, you can hear the dropping of a pin.

Lost In Destruction

How would it feel

To see someone you love

Completely lose themselves?

Could you really put all the blame on them?

Watching you pop that pill,

Watching you snort that line,

Watching your eyes go completely blank,

Made me start to question

If addiction is really just an internal game,

And not a crime at all.

Shame

I feel though I should care. As though I should feel betrayed. As though I should crave vengeance.

But all I feel is the familiar numbness creeping into my skin, like wildfire-

A numbness that burns. A numbness that paralyzes every cell.

A numbness I have known, forged in a lifetime of betrayals and solitude.

A numbness that screams,

Of course. Why did I ever expect anything different?

`~ My body begins to feel with shame. I often wonder if it is easier to feel nothing at all.

You & I

Swallow me whole,

And I cease to exist.

Rip your own skin off,

And let us coexist.

We can just be

Two freaks with no souls.

No need to have expectations,

When we’re falling into the black hole.

Rotten Leaves

A lone leaf drifts, carried by the wind.

And already, the leaf begins to brown.

Did it once drink the sun with its kin?

I watch as it hits the ground,

Does this leaf whisper of my sins?

Still, the leaf turns brown.

Does the town even notice its fall?

How the leaf just lingers, sprawled.

Maybe the leaf watched me break down,

But it is still turning brown.

Does brown equate to rotten?

Are we really all forgotten?

The wind will lift another,

But the lone leaf sinks, lost to the ground.

The Perfect Doormat

It suffocates me -

The thought of how disposable I was to you.

You sculpted me into

The perfect doormat.

Worn and tattered,

Always beneath your feet.

Is this the only way I’m lovable?

A smile, a touch,

Each caress, just another promise I stupidly believed.

Something built from nothing, yet again.

Sweet and Obedient - just how you liked it.

You tore me apart, yet again.

And in my eyes -

To be used is to be loved.

It suffocates me,

Constant reminders of how little I meant.

They taunt me daily,

Am I only valuable when I’m broken?

And now I see you,

For who you truly are.

The false promises woven into my skin,

Lies whispered with every kiss.

And I kept returning,

Begging for scraps.

When I deserved a whole feast.

Slowly, I am learning love is not a wound to be healed,

But a truth to be embraced.

I no longer need to bleed myself dry,

To prove I am deserving of love.

- Is it humanly possible for someone to make you both love and hate yourself?

Void Deep Inside

It needs to die -

This thing inside of me,

Hollow and Vast

A void that swallows every cry -

Leaving me aghast.

Now I stare at broken glass on the floor,

Swallowing shards until my vocal cords bleed,

Treat me exactly like the dirty whore

You made me out to be.

You make me physically sick,

And that’s not even all you got.

Your hunger - I will never be the fix,

Do you bring her to our spot?

Maybe to you, I am just a bore.

But I still haunt your mind, I know.

You ripped my heart out of its cage

Yet even a ghost needs a home.

Mountain Of Dirty Laundry

I grow bigger on a daily basis - watching you suffer. You cannot hear my thoughts, but I can hear yours. Even with no verbal transaction.

I see the way you are starting to skip class - even your favorites. The way you lie unmoving and numb, staring at the ceiling. You only get up when necessary - like to use the bathroom. Or maybe eat a stale snack.

I grow bigger everyday because you refuse to do laundry. Because you would rather sit and get high on the couch than do simple humanistic tasks. I grow heavier because you refuse to face me. You would rather have your eyes glazed and lost in a haze then lift a single shirt.

I smell sour. Musty and sweaty. I start to spill onto the floor - invading your space. I smother the air around you. You pretend not to notice.

Eventually I dissipate. I am clean. I am gone.

But as soon as I think you're better, I begin to grow again. Slowly at first - starts with a single shirt. Maybe a sock. But the more I rise - the less you care.

You stop trying.

A vicious cycle.

All because you refuse to do laundry.

Astral Glow

As I walk down the battered sidewalk,

My eyes begin to drift above,

Watching the city lights whisper and gleam.

I used to fear the violence,

But love spreads far more light.

This hatred deep inside - it’ll go down with a fight.

The cracks beneath my feet remind me

Of wounds, unhealed and raw.

Is this life just a twisted dream?

I used to fear the silence,

And the dark of the night.

But in my city, my peace can finally ignite.

And today, I stand here and gawk,

As I begin to fill with love,

Watching the shine of the Cosmic Beam.

Autophobia

I learned the definition of Autophobia yesterday :

The fear of one’s self,

As I sat and stared into the mirror,

Tracing my wrinkles and scars.

The fear of one’s self,

But once I brimmed with devotion, love, and child-like wonder.

As the years went on,

My confidence thinned, along with my light.

I sat and stared into the mirror,

Silently watching tears carve rivers down my face,

Wishing someone would reach for me.

Pull me back from the edge.

Tracing my wrinkles and scars,

Comparing myself to no one but myself.

Reminiscing the younger and brighter me,

I barely even recognized anymore.

Without thought,

I wrap myself into an embrace.

An unspoken apology.

An unintentional act of grace.

And today I change the pattern,

Always thinking of myself kindly,

And never again dim my light.

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